People imagine that my job is mostly about bodies. It is not. A huge part of it is talking to a woman I met ten minutes ago and making her feel relaxed, respected and safe enough to work with me. In fourteen years I have done that with hundreds of women from dozens of countries, many of them nervous, some of them tired, a few of them clearly not in the mood for another man’s charm. That daily practice taught me more about how to talk to a woman you just met than any dating book ever could.
So this is not a list of pickup lines. I do not use them and I do not recommend them. This is what I learned about the first ten minutes with a stranger, and why the men who are good at it are almost never the ones performing hardest.
Why most men freeze (or talk too much)
When a man meets a woman he likes, his brain usually picks one of two bad strategies. The first is freezing: he says nothing, waits for the perfect moment, and the perfect moment walks out of the café. The second is performing: he talks fast, makes jokes he prepared in the shower, lists his achievements and never notices that she has stopped smiling.
Both come from the same place. He is thinking about himself. Am I interesting enough? Does she like me? What do I say next? All of his attention is pointed inwards, which means none of it is pointed at her.
The first lesson I learned on set was to flip that. When I walk in and meet my scene partner for the first time, my job is not to impress her. My job is to find out who she is today. Is she tired from a flight? Excited? Shy? Already joking with the crew? The moment I put my attention on her instead of on myself, the nerves drop, because there is no room left for them.
The opener is the least important part
Men obsess over the first sentence. I understand why: it feels like the door, and if you say the wrong thing it will slam. But in reality, the first sentence matters very little. What matters is the tone, and the tone comes from being calm, friendly and not needing anything from her.
Here are openers I would happily use, and none of them are clever:
- “Hi, I’m Maximo. I couldn’t leave without saying hello.”
- “That book looks better than mine. Is it any good?”
- “Sorry, quick question: is the coffee here as good as the queue suggests?”
- “You’ve been laughing with the bartender for five minutes and I’m curious what’s so funny.”
Notice what they have in common. They are true, they are about the moment you share, and they give her an easy way to answer or to politely not engage. That last part matters. A good opener never traps anyone. If she gives you a short smile and returns to her phone, you have your answer, and nobody is embarrassed.
What I would avoid: opening with a comment on her body, a “line” you read online, or a question designed to manipulate. Women have heard every line in existence. They have not heard you, being honest, very often.
Curiosity is the whole game
If I had to reduce this article to one word, it would be curiosity. Not fake curiosity, where you ask questions as a technique while waiting for your turn to talk. Real curiosity, where you actually want to know.
Some of the most memorable conversations I have had in this industry were with women who, on paper, I had nothing in common with: women who had left office jobs, dancers, students, mothers running their own small businesses. Every one of them had a story that was far more interesting than my small talk. If I had treated those conversations as a performance, I would have missed all of it.
Real curiosity sounds like this:
- She says she just moved to the city. You ask: “What made you choose here?” and then, depending on the answer, “Was that a hard decision?”
- She says she works in marketing. Instead of “Cool”, you ask: “What’s the part of it you actually like?”
- She mentions a trip. You ask what surprised her most, not what the hotel was like.
The secret is the second question. Anyone can ask “What do you do?” The person who asks a follow-up about the answer is the person who was actually listening. That is rare, and women notice it immediately.
Do not run an interview
Curiosity has a trap: if all you do is ask questions, it starts to feel like a job interview or a police report. A good conversation goes back and forth. She shares something, you react to it, you share something of your own that connects, and then maybe you ask another question.
For example:
She: “I just got back from Lisbon.” You: “Nice. I went once and walked up so many hills I needed a holiday after my holiday. What did you think of it?”
You gave her something, a small honest detail about you, and then you passed the ball back. That rhythm, give and take, is what makes a chat feel easy. A simple rule I use: for every two questions I ask, I offer one real thing about myself.
And by real, I mean real. Not a highlight reel. “I’m terrible at cooking but I’m trying” is far more attractive than a list of your best achievements.
Reading her signals honestly
This is the part where many men go wrong, not because they are bad people but because they want something so much that they stop seeing clearly. Working in an environment where consent and comfort are checked constantly, out loud, trained me to read people carefully. The same skill helps in everyday life.
Signs she is enjoying the conversation:
- She asks you questions back, especially follow-up questions.
- Her answers get longer and more detailed over time.
- She turns her body towards you, not just her head.
- She laughs at things that were only slightly funny (we all do this when we like someone).
- She stays, even when she has an easy chance to leave.
Signs she is being polite but wants to finish:
- Short answers that do not invite more: “Yeah.” “Cool.” “Not really.”
- She keeps glancing at her phone, her friends or the door.
- Her body stays turned away, arms crossed, bag on her shoulder.
- She does not ask you anything at all.
One sign alone means little. Maybe her feet are cold and she crossed her arms. But when several signals point the same way, believe them. And here is the most important point: politeness is not interest. Many women have learned that being cold to a man can be risky, so they smile and answer even when they want to leave. Your job is to make it easy for her to go, not to keep the conversation alive at any cost.
When I see disinterest, I wrap up quickly and warmly: “Anyway, I’ll let you get back to your evening. Nice meeting you.” That sentence costs nothing, and it is the kind of thing that makes a woman remember you as a decent man rather than an obstacle.
Compliments: specific, not physical
A compliment can be lovely or it can be uncomfortable, and the difference is mostly what you choose to compliment.
When you have only just met, comments about her body put pressure on the moment. She does not know you yet, and she does not know where that comment is going. Compliments about her choices feel completely different: her style, her laugh, the way she tells a story, her taste in books, the confident way she handled a rude waiter.
“You tell stories really well, I was completely in that airport with you” will land better than any comment on her looks, because it shows you were paying attention to her as a person.
Ironically, I spend my working life around some of the most physically attractive women on the planet, and the thing they talk about most when the cameras are off is how rarely men notice anything else about them. Keep that in mind.
Humour, but not at her expense
Laughter is the fastest way to make two strangers comfortable. On set, a silly joke about the cold room or the crew’s terrible playlist does more for the atmosphere than any serious speech.
You do not need to be a comedian. Light, observational humour about the situation you share is enough. Laugh at yourself freely. What I would avoid is the “teasing” some coaches recommend, where you make little negative comments to seem less interested. Between friends, playful teasing is fine. With someone you met five minutes ago, it usually reads as insecure or rude.
Slow down your body and your voice
Nervous men talk fast, stand too close and fidget. Calm men speak a little slower, keep a comfortable distance and hold eye contact without staring. You can fake none of this perfectly, but you can practise it.
Before you start a conversation, take one slow breath out. Stand at a normal social distance, roughly an arm’s length, and let her close the distance if she wants to. Keep your hands relaxed and visible. Look at her face when she speaks and look away naturally when you are thinking. Those small things say: I am at ease, and you can be too.
If you want to see what relaxed confidence looks like in practice, look at how interviewers talk to guests on long-form podcasts. They let silences breathe. They do not rush to fill every gap. That calmness is attractive in any setting.
How to end it and ask for her number
There is a moment in a good conversation when the energy is high and both of you are smiling. That is the moment to end it, not twenty minutes later when you have both run out of things to say.
Be direct and simple:
“I’ve really enjoyed this. I’d like to see you again. Can I get your number?”
That is it. No tricks, no “Give me your Instagram so I can send you that song”, no pretending you need her number for some other reason. Directness is respectful, because it tells her exactly what you want and lets her answer honestly.
If she says yes, great: save it, say goodbye, and leave while it still feels good. If she hesitates or says no, smile and say “No problem, it was lovely talking to you.” Her hesitation is an answer. Never ask a second time in the same conversation.
The mistakes I see most often
After years of watching men around women, both in the industry and in normal life, these are the errors that come up again and again:
- Talking about yourself for ten minutes straight. Nerves make men fill silence with their CV.
- Ignoring obvious signals because you have already decided she likes you.
- Approaching when she is clearly busy: on a call, in a hurry, wearing headphones and focused.
- Trying to be someone else. If you are a quiet man, be a quiet man who is curious. That is far more attractive than a loud imitation of someone on TikTok.
- Making it heavy too soon. Talking about your ex, your problems or your opinions on women in general in the first five minutes.
What working with women taught me
People are often surprised when I say this, but the women I have worked with have been some of my best teachers in communication. Many of them are brilliant at reading a room, setting boundaries in one sentence and saying what they want without drama. If you are curious about how some of them built careers far beyond the camera, read my column on Stoya, the writer and founder who refused to be one-dimensional. And you can meet the women I have actually worked with at fuckingpornstars.net.
The lesson they taught me is simple. Women can tell, within seconds, whether a man is talking to them or talking at them. When you are genuinely curious, relaxed and willing to let her go if she wants to, you become the kind of man she is happy to keep talking to.
Your practice for this week
- Start three short conversations with strangers each day, with no goal except to be curious. A barista, a neighbour, someone at the gym.
- In each one, ask at least one follow-up question about what they said.
- Share one honest, small detail about yourself.
- End each conversation while it is still pleasant.
Do that for a week and talking to a woman you like will stop feeling like a cliff. It will feel like what it is: two people, finding out about each other.
FAQ
How do I start a conversation with a woman I just met? Say something simple and true about the moment you are both in, or just say hello and introduce yourself. Honest beats clever every time.
What should I talk about with a woman I just met? Follow what she gives you. Ask one real question, listen to the answer, then share something of your own so it feels like a conversation, not an interview.
How do I know if she wants to keep talking? She asks you questions back, turns towards you and adds detail to her answers. Short replies, a glance at her phone or a body turned away mean it is time to wrap up kindly.
How do I end the conversation and ask for her number? End while it is still going well. Say you enjoyed talking and ask directly if she would like to swap numbers. If she hesitates, let it go with a smile.
— Maximo Garcia
More from me at maximogarciaworld.com.
