People assume a man who has worked as a porn actor for fourteen years was born confident. I wasn’t. I was a normal guy from Spain with normal insecurities about my body, my English, my future and, yes, women. The confidence I have now did not arrive in a moment of enlightenment. I built it slowly, by doing hard things repeatedly in a job where you cannot hide. That is why I am a little allergic to advice that tells men they can simply decide to be confident tonight. If you want to know how to be confident with women, the honest answer is that you build it, brick by brick, and most of the bricks have nothing to do with women.
Faked confidence is easy to spot
Walk into any bar on a Saturday and you will see faked confidence everywhere. The loud laugh. The arm draped over the chair. The man interrupting everyone to tell his story. The guy who negs a woman to look like he does not care.
Women spot this instantly, for a simple reason: it is inconsistent. A man pretending to be confident gets thrown off by the smallest thing. She disagrees with him, her friend ignores him, she checks her phone, and suddenly the mask slips: he gets defensive, sarcastic or needy.
In my industry, this is even more obvious. I have watched new male performers arrive on set with a huge attitude, full of talk about how good they are. Often, they are the ones who struggle the most when the pressure is real, because all their energy was spent on the image. The men who last, who women actually want to work with again, are usually quiet, focused and kind. They have nothing to prove, because they have already proven it to themselves.
What confidence actually is
Here is the definition I use: confidence is trusting yourself to handle whatever happens.
It is not certainty that she will like you. It is not believing you are better than other men. It is knowing that if she says yes, you will be a good partner, and if she says no, you will be fine. That trust frees you to act: to say hello, to ask her out, to say what you think, to leave a conversation that is not working.
And trust, in any relationship, including the one with yourself, comes from evidence. You trust a friend because he has kept his word a hundred times. You trust yourself for exactly the same reason.
Habit 1: Keep small promises to yourself
This is the foundation, and it is so simple that men ignore it. Every time you say you will do something and then do it, you add a small piece of evidence that you are reliable. Every time you break a promise to yourself, the snooze button, the skipped workout, the “I’ll start Monday”, you teach yourself that your word means nothing.
Start embarrassingly small:
- Make your bed every morning.
- Walk for twenty minutes every day.
- Read ten pages before sleep.
- Go to bed at the same time.
None of this is about the bed or the book. It is about becoming a man who does what he says. After a few weeks, you will notice something changing in how you stand and speak. That is not magic. It is evidence.
Habit 2: Take care of your body, for you
My body is part of my job, so I train consistently, sleep seriously and eat well. But I want to be clear: you do not need to look like an actor to be attractive. Women I have talked to over the years rarely mention abs. They mention men who look healthy, energetic and comfortable in their skin.
Training changes how you feel more than how you look. Lifting something heavy, finishing a run you thought you couldn’t, showing up when you didn’t feel like it: these are confidence lessons that your body never forgets. Add clean clothes that fit, a decent haircut and basic grooming, and you have done ninety per cent of what appearance can do for you.
The key is the reason. If you train only to impress women, every rejection will feel like the gym failed you. Train because you deserve a strong, healthy body. The attraction is a side effect.
Habit 3: Become good at something
Few things build confidence like competence. When you are genuinely skilled at something, a sport, an instrument, your job, cooking, a language, you carry that feeling into every room. You know there is at least one area where you have done the work.
When I started in this industry, I did not know what I was doing. I was nervous, I made mistakes and I learned in front of other people. Over the years, I became good at it, and that competence gave me a calm that spread into everything else, including how I talk to women outside work.
Pick one thing and commit to getting better at it for a year. Not to impress anyone. Just so that you know, deep down, that you can improve at things through effort. That belief is the core of confidence.
Habit 4: Talk to people every day
Social confidence is a muscle. If you only use it when a beautiful woman is in front of you, of course it will shake. The men who are relaxed with women are usually relaxed with everyone: the cashier, the neighbour, the older lady at the bus stop.
Make small social contact a daily habit:
- Ask a shop assistant how their day is going, and mean it.
- Compliment a stranger’s dog, jacket or choice of book.
- Make a small joke with the barista.
- Call a friend instead of texting.
The goal is not flirting. The goal is to make talking to people feel normal again. When it feels normal, talking to a woman you like is just one more conversation, slightly more exciting than the others.
Habit 5: Stop outsourcing your worth
Many men’s confidence lives entirely in other people’s hands. If a woman smiles at him, he feels great. If she ignores him, he feels worthless. That is not confidence; it is a mood controlled from outside.
I learned to stop doing this partly because of my job. When your work is public, you receive thousands of opinions, some lovely, some cruel. If I let every comment decide how I feel, I would have quit in year one. Instead, I learned to anchor my self-respect in things I control: my effort, my honesty, how I treat the people I work with, whether I keep my word.
Try this: write down three things you are proud of each night that have nothing to do with anyone’s approval. Over time, your sense of worth moves from outside to inside. That move is the single biggest change a man can make in dating.
How to stay calm with a woman you like
Even with all these habits, you will still feel nerves when you like someone. Good. Nerves mean it matters. Here is how I handle them:
- Breathe out slowly before you speak. A long exhale tells your body there is no danger.
- Focus on her, not yourself. Ask about her day and listen. Attention outward means less anxiety inward.
- Accept the outcome in advance. Tell yourself: “If she’s not interested, I’ll be fine.” Then go.
- Lower your voice and slow your pace. Calm behaviour creates calm feelings, not only the other way around.
- Admit it if it helps. “I’ll be honest, I’m a bit nervous, you’re very easy to like” is disarming and often charming. Vulnerability with a smile is a form of confidence.
Confidence respects her answer
There is one more sign of real confidence that most dating advice ignores: how a man reacts to a “no”. A truly confident man does not need to convince her, pressure her or punish her with coldness. He can hear “I’m not interested” and genuinely wish her a good night, because his life does not depend on her answer.
On every professional set I have worked on, consent is discussed openly, and a “stop” means stop, instantly. Some people think that clear rules would make a man less confident. It is the opposite. When you know the boundaries and respect them, you are free to relax and be yourself. The same is true on a date. A man who checks in, listens and respects limits is calmer, and women can feel that calm.
The women who taught me the most
Many of the most confident people I have ever met are women I worked with: performers who built businesses, wrote books, went back to university or reinvented themselves completely. Their confidence did not come from being admired. It came from deciding, repeatedly, who they were going to be. If you want an example, read my column on Nina Hartley, the nurse who became a sex educator and feminist voice. And if you are curious about the women I have shared a set with, you will find them at fuckingpornstars.net.
A 30-day confidence plan
If you want something concrete, here is what I would do for a month:
Week 1: Fix your sleep, walk every day, make your bed. Write three proud moments each night. Week 2: Add three workouts. Start three small conversations with strangers daily. Week 3: Pick a skill and practise it thirty minutes a day. Clean up your wardrobe: get rid of what doesn’t fit. Week 4: Ask one woman you find interesting for a coffee, a real invitation, clearly stated. Whatever she answers, note how you handled it.
At the end of thirty days, you will not be a different person. But you will have thirty days of evidence that you are a man who keeps his word. That is where confidence starts.
When to get extra help
If your nerves around people are so strong that they stop you from working, studying or leaving the house, that may be social anxiety, and it deserves real support. There is no shame in talking to a therapist or doctor. I know strong men who have done exactly that, and it changed their lives more than any dating advice ever could.
FAQ
How can I be more confident with women? Build confidence outside dating first: keep small promises to yourself, train your body, develop skills and talk to people every day. Confidence with women grows from a life you respect.
Can you fake confidence until you make it? You can act a little braver than you feel, but performing an arrogant persona usually backfires. Calm, honest behaviour practised over time is what becomes real confidence.
Why do I get nervous around women I like? Because the outcome feels important. Nerves are normal; they shrink when you stop treating one woman’s reaction as a verdict on your worth and simply get more practice.
Is confidence the same as arrogance? No. Confidence is being at ease with yourself, including your flaws. Arrogance is needing others to see you as superior, and it usually hides insecurity.
— Maximo Garcia
More from me at maximogarciaworld.com.
