I have been heartbroken. It surprises people, because they imagine that a man who has been with as many women as I have must be immune to love, or at least to losing it. It is the opposite. Working in an industry where intimacy is part of the job makes the real thing, the private thing, even more precious. And when I lost it, it hurt like it hurts everyone. So this is not advice from a man standing above the pain. This is what helped me, and what I have seen help friends and colleagues, when they needed to learn how to get over a breakup without destroying themselves in the process.
First, admit what this is: grief
Men are taught to treat a breakup like a sports injury. Tape it up, get back on the field, do not show weakness. So they go out the same weekend, drink too much, sleep with someone they don’t care about and tell their friends they are fine. Then, three months later, they are still checking her Instagram at two in the morning.
A breakup is a loss. You lost a person, a routine, a future you had imagined, sometimes a home, friends or a version of yourself. The feelings that come with that, sadness, anger, numbness, bargaining, sudden waves of missing her, are the normal symptoms of grief. They are not a sign that you are weak or that you made a mistake by leaving or being left.
The first adult thing you can do is let yourself feel it. Not forever, and not in a way that hurts anyone. But honestly. Cry if you need to. Tell a friend you are struggling. Write down what you miss and what you do not. Feelings that are expressed move through you. Feelings that are buried stay and grow.
Go no contact (and mean it)
This is the most effective and most hated piece of advice in the breakup world. Stop contacting her. No texts “just to check how you’re doing”, no liking her photos, no watching her stories, no asking mutual friends about her.
Every contact reopens the wound. It gives your brain a small dose of her, like a smoker taking one cigarette “just to remember the taste”. Healing needs distance.
In practice:
- Mute or unfollow her on social media. You do not have to block her unless you need to; muting is enough for many people.
- Archive your chat so it is not the first thing you see.
- Put photos and gifts in a box, out of sight. You do not need to burn anything.
- Tell close friends you are not looking for updates about her.
- If you share practical matters, children, a lease, a pet, keep contact short, polite and only about logistics.
No contact is not a punishment or a strategy to make her miss you. It is not a game. It is a period of protection for yourself. If you are doing it secretly hoping she will come back, be honest about that, and know that you are not really doing it yet.
Do not send the 3 a.m. message
You will want to. Everyone does. A long message explaining everything you felt, everything she did wrong, everything you would change. Or a short “I miss you” after a few drinks.
Here is my rule: write it, do not send it. Write it in your notes app. Write the full, raw, ugly version. Then read it the next afternoon, sober and rested. In nearly every case, you will be glad it stayed on your phone.
If there is something genuinely important to say, an apology you owe her, practical matters, you can say it later, calmly and briefly, when you are not hoping it will change her mind.
Rebuild your routine first
When a relationship ends, it leaves holes in your day: the morning message, the evening call, the weekend plans. Those empty spaces are where sadness hits hardest. The solution is to fill them deliberately, not with distraction but with structure.
In the first weeks, focus on basics:
- Sleep at regular hours, even if you can’t sleep well.
- Move your body every day. Walking counts. Training counts more. Exercise is one of the most reliable mood lifters we have.
- Eat real meals, not just whatever is easiest.
- Limit alcohol. It numbs for a night and makes the next day heavier.
- See people at least a few times a week, even when you don’t feel like it.
This is not exciting advice, I know. But in my experience, men who keep these basics during a breakup recover in weeks. Men who abandon them can stay stuck for a year.
Use your friends (yes, really)
Men often do not lean on their friends when they are hurting. We wait until we are fine and then say “I had a tough few months.” Do the opposite. Call a friend and say, “I’m not doing great, can we get dinner?”
Good friends will not judge you. And talking out loud helps you see the relationship more clearly. Your friends remember things you have forgotten: the times you were unhappy, the arguments you minimised, the parts of yourself you put aside.
One warning: do not turn every conversation into a trial of your ex. Venting is healthy; replaying the same story for months is not. If you notice you are stuck in the same loop, it might be a sign that a professional ear would help.
Look at the relationship honestly
After the first wave of pain, there comes a time for reflection. Not blame, reflection. Ask yourself:
- What did I love about this relationship, and what did I need that I did not get?
- What did I do that I am proud of?
- What did I do that I would not repeat? Was I people-pleasing, jealous, absent, controlling?
- Were there signs early on that I ignored?
Write the answers down. This is where a breakup stops being only a loss and becomes a lesson. The men who skip this step tend to repeat the same relationship with a different woman.
Be fair to yourself and to her. Very few breakups have one villain. Most are two people who wanted different things, or who could not give each other what they needed.
Do not build a revenge plan
The internet loves the “revenge glow-up”: get shredded, get rich, make her regret it. I understand the energy, and I believe in transformation. But if your motivation is to make her jealous, you are still organising your life around her.
Train because you deserve a strong body. Build your career because you want a life you are proud of. Dress well because it makes you feel good. Do these things for you, and if she ever notices, it will not matter, because you will be busy living.
Spend time alone, on purpose
Many men jump into the next relationship within weeks because being alone feels unbearable. But the time between relationships is valuable. It is the only time you get to know yourself without someone else’s preferences shaping your days.
Take yourself out for dinner. Travel somewhere you always wanted to go. Start a project you abandoned. Learn to cook something properly. Rediscover what you enjoy when nobody else is watching.
In my work, I am surrounded by people almost constantly. Some of my most important growth happened in quiet periods when I was simply alone with my thoughts, my training and my plans. Solitude is not loneliness when you choose it.
Dating again: how to know you are ready
There is no rule like “wait one month for every year together.” People heal at different speeds. Here are signs you are ready:
- You can think about your ex without a wave of anger or longing.
- You are curious about meeting new people, not desperate to replace her.
- You are not comparing every woman to her.
- You no longer check her social media.
- You can imagine your ex happy with someone else without it ruining your day.
When you do start dating, be honest. If you are newly single, you can say so. If you only want something casual for now, say that too. Using a new woman as a bandage, without telling her, is unfair to her. In my professional life, the most important rule is clear communication about what everyone wants and is comfortable with. Dating deserves the same standard.
When it is more than heartbreak
Sometimes a breakup triggers something deeper: depression, anxiety, old wounds from childhood. If your low mood lasts for weeks, if you cannot sleep or eat, if you stop functioning at work, please talk to a doctor or a therapist. And if you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, contact a local emergency number or a crisis line right away. In the US you can call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, Samaritans are on 116 123; in Spain, the 024 line is available all day, every day. Asking for help is what strong people do.
The women who rebuilt themselves
Some of the strongest people I know are women from my industry who went through public breakups, career endings and very hard moments, and rebuilt their lives from zero. Their stories remind me that endings are often the beginning of the best chapter. If you want an example of reinvention, read my column on how Sasha Grey reinvented herself after porn. And if you are curious about the women I have shared sets with, you will find them at fuckingpornstars.net.
A 30-day breakup plan
Days 1 to 7: Feel it. Go no contact. Tell two friends. Keep sleep and meals regular. Days 8 to 14: Exercise every day. Remove reminders from sight. Write the honest reflection. Days 15 to 21: Start one new project or habit. Spend an evening out alone and enjoy it. Days 22 to 30: Reconnect with friends you neglected. Notice how much less you think about her. Decide what you want next, not who.
You will not be completely healed after thirty days. But you will be standing. And a man who is standing on his own feet is ready for whatever comes next.
FAQ
How long does it take for a man to get over a breakup? There is no fixed timeline. Many people feel noticeably better after a few weeks to a few months, especially if they cut contact, keep a routine and stay connected to friends.
Should I stay friends with my ex? Not straight away. Most people need a real period of no contact to heal. Friendship, if it ever happens, works best once neither of you is hoping for more.
Is it normal to feel this bad after a breakup? Yes. Breakups can hurt like grief. But if low mood lasts for weeks, affects sleep, work or eating, or you have thoughts of harming yourself, speak to a doctor or a crisis line immediately.
When should I start dating again after a breakup? When you are curious about new people rather than trying to replace or punish your ex. If every date becomes a comparison, give yourself more time.
— Maximo Garcia
More from me at maximogarciaworld.com.
