It is eleven at night. You have had two drinks. A song comes on, or you walk past the restaurant where you had your first date, or a photo pops up in your memories. And suddenly your thumb is hovering over her name. Should I text my ex?
I have been that man. Most men have. And because I write about breakups and dating, I get this question more than almost any other. “Maximo, should I message her?” “She liked my story, does that mean something?” “It’s been three months, is it okay now?”
I am not going to give you a yes or a no. I am going to give you a better question. Because the honest answer to should I text my ex depends entirely on why you want to.
The real reasons men want to text their ex
Before you do anything, be brutally honest with yourself. Which one is it?
- Loneliness. You do not miss her specifically. You miss having someone. It is Sunday, or it is late, or everyone around you seems to be in love.
- Ego. You want to know if she still thinks about you. You want her to miss you. You want to win.
- Unfinished business. You never said something important: an apology, a thank you, a truth.
- Hope. You genuinely want to try again, and you believe something has changed.
- Habit. For years she was the first person you told everything. Your brain has not caught up with the breakup.
- Practical. There is a real thing to arrange: belongings, a shared lease, a pet, children.
Only reasons 3, 4 and 6 are usually worth acting on. Reasons 1, 2 and 5 are feelings to sit with, not messages to send. Write them down if you need to. Call a friend. Go to the gym. But do not hand your loneliness, your ego or your habits to a woman who is trying to move on.
Why it is usually a bad idea (at least right now)
I explained in my column on how to get over a breakup as a man why no contact works: every interaction with her reopens the wound and gives your brain another small dose of the person it is trying to let go. Texting her is breaking your own healing.
There are other problems too:
- You are probably not neutral. If you are hoping for a certain answer, any answer that is not that one will hurt.
- She might not be where you are. She may be further along in moving on, or she may be in a new relationship. Your message can confuse or upset her.
- It rarely changes anything. The reasons you broke up do not disappear because you sent “hey, how are you?”.
- It can become a loop. A friendly exchange, a little flirting, a late-night meeting, then the same old fights. Months lost.
The hardest kind of strength is not doing something you desperately want to do. That is often what healing looks like.
Signs you are not ready to text her
Ask yourself these questions honestly:
- Do I still check her social media regularly?
- Would I be devastated if she did not reply?
- Would I be crushed to learn she is seeing someone else?
- Am I drinking, lonely or bored right now?
- Am I hoping this message makes her feel something specific?
If the answer to any of those is yes, put the phone down. You are not texting to communicate. You are texting to soothe yourself, and she is not your painkiller anymore.
The rare times it makes sense
There are real situations where contacting an ex is the right thing to do.
To apologise, with no strings. If you behaved badly and you genuinely want to own it, a short apology can be healthy for both of you. The key is “no strings”: you are not apologising to get her back. You are apologising because it is right. If she does not reply, that is her right.
To arrange practical things. Keys, belongings, money, a lease, a pet. Keep it brief, polite and focused.
When significant time has passed and you are truly at peace. Months or years later, a friendly message to wish her well can be fine, if you would be equally happy with a warm reply, a cold reply or none at all.
When something really has changed and you both might want to try again. More on that below.
If you want her back: the honest version
Many men who ask “should I text my ex” really mean “how do I get her back”. I will be straight with you, because I believe honesty is more attractive than any strategy.
First, ask why it ended. Not the story you tell your friends. The real reason. Was it trust, timing, distance, values, the way you treated her, the way she treated you?
Then ask: has that thing actually changed? Not “I feel like I’ve changed”. What concrete thing is different now? Did you get help with your jealousy? Did you move closer? Did you stop drinking? Did you both grow up?
If the honest answer is no, getting back together will probably give you the same ending, just later and more painfully.
If the honest answer is yes, then you can reach out. Not with games, not with jealousy tricks, not with “accidentally” appearing where she is. With a clear, respectful message, and with total acceptance of whatever she decides. If she has moved on, you let her go. Gracefully. That respect, as I wrote in how to handle rejection from women, is what leaves the door open for anything good, even if that good is only her remembering you kindly.
What to send if you do text her
If you have thought it through and you still believe a message is right, keep it simple.
Good principles:
- Short. Two or three sentences maximum.
- Honest about why you are writing.
- No pressure. Make it clear she does not need to reply.
- Sober. Never, ever drunk.
- During the day. Late-night messages carry a meaning you may not intend.
Examples:
- Apology: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about how things ended and I wanted to say I’m sorry for my part in it. You don’t need to reply. I just wanted you to know.”
- Practical: “Hi, I still have a box of your things. Would you like me to drop it off, or should I give it to your sister?”
- Well wishes, much later: “Saw something today that reminded me of you and smiled. Hope life is treating you well.”
- Wanting to talk about trying again: “I’ve done a lot of thinking and some real work on myself since we split. If you’re ever open to a coffee to talk, I’d like that. If not, I completely understand.”
Never send:
- “I miss you so much, I can’t live without you.”
- “Who is that guy in your photos?”
- “Just wanted to see how you’re doing” at 2 a.m. after six months of silence.
- Long essays analysing everything that went wrong.
- Anything designed to make her jealous, guilty or worried.
What if she texts you first?
Sometimes the question is reversed. She sends “hey stranger” after two months and your heart jumps. The same rules apply. Ask yourself what you want before you answer. You do not have to reply immediately, and you do not have to reply at all if contact would hurt your healing. If you do reply, be friendly, brief and clear about where you stand.
And do not read too much into it. An ex texting you can mean she misses you, she is lonely, she is bored, she feels guilty, or she just saw something that reminded her of you. Only a direct conversation tells you which.
What I have learned from the women around me
In my industry, people date each other, break up and then have to keep working side by side. I have seen ex-couples handle it with real grace, and I have seen messages sent at the wrong moment ruin months of peace. The women I have talked to about this almost all said the same thing: what they respect in an ex is space and dignity. The man who disappeared respectfully, then reached out once, calmly, much later, was remembered well. The man who sent forty messages in a week was not.
Several of the women I admire most rebuilt their lives after very public endings, of relationships and of careers. If you want an example of someone starting a completely new chapter, read my column on what happened to Lana Rhoades after she left the industry. And if you are curious about the women I have shared a set with, you will find them at fuckingpornstars.net.
Do this instead
If you decided not to text her, good. Here is what to do with that energy tonight:
- Write the message, but do not send it. Put it in your notes. Read it again in a week. You will be glad you waited.
- Call a friend. Say out loud what you are feeling.
- Move your body. A walk, a run, a workout. Emotions settle when the body moves.
- Mute or archive the chat. Remove the easy temptation.
- Do something for your future self. Plan a trip, a class, a project. I have ideas in first date ideas that aren’t dinner for when you are ready to meet someone new.
The bottom line
Should you text your ex? Only when you know exactly why, you are sober and calm, you can accept any answer including silence, and the message is for something real: an apology without strings, a practical matter, a sincere conversation after genuine change. Otherwise, the message you most want to send is usually the one you will most regret.
Loneliness passes. Ego calms down. Habits fade. Give them time to do that before you put your heart in a text box.
FAQ
Should I text my ex if I miss her? Usually not straight away. Missing someone is normal after a breakup and often fades with time and no contact. Text only if you have thought it through, know what you want and can accept any answer, including no reply.
How long should I wait before texting my ex? There is no magic number, but most people need at least several weeks of real no contact before they can talk to an ex without reopening the wound. If you are still checking her social media daily, you are not ready.
What should I say if I text my ex? Keep it short, honest and pressure-free. For example: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about how things ended and I’d like to apologise for my part. No need to reply.” Avoid guilt, long essays, drunk messages and hidden agendas.
Is it a good idea to get back with an ex? Only if the reason you broke up has genuinely changed, both of you want it, and you are not going back just because you are lonely. Otherwise you will usually repeat the same ending.
— Maximo Garcia
More from me at maximogarciaworld.com.
