There is a sentence I hear from women constantly, in my industry and outside it: “I want a man who takes the lead.” And there is a type of man who hears that sentence and gets it completely wrong.
He decides where they eat without asking what she likes. He tells her what to wear. He gets annoyed when she makes plans with her friends. He thinks he is being “masculine”. She thinks he is exhausting, and soon, a little frightening.
Then there is the opposite type: the man who is so afraid of being controlling that he never decides anything. “Where do you want to go?” “I don’t mind, wherever you want.” “What do you want to do this weekend?” “Up to you.” She ends up planning everything and feels like she is dating a polite assistant.
Both are getting it wrong. This column is about how to lead in a relationship without being controlling, the middle path that almost every woman I know actually wants.
What leading really means
Leading is not about power. It is about initiative.
A man who leads well:
- Makes plans. He does not wait for her to organise the date. He suggests a place and a time.
- Proposes next steps. He is the one who says “I’d like to see you again” or “Do you want to meet my friends?”
- Brings up hard conversations. He does not avoid the difficult talk until it explodes.
- Makes decisions when nobody else wants to. When both of you are tired and hungry and nobody can choose, he chooses.
- Takes responsibility. When something goes wrong, he says “That was on me.”
And crucially, he does all of this while leaving her completely free to say no.
That last part is everything. Leadership in a relationship is an invitation, not an order.
Propose, don’t impose
Here is the simplest way to tell the difference.
Imposing: “We’re going to the steakhouse on Friday at eight.” Asking without leading: “What do you want to do on Friday?” Leading: “I’d love to take you to this little steakhouse on Friday at eight. Or if you’re not in the mood for meat, there’s a great Italian place nearby. Which sounds better?”
The leader did the work. He found the places, picked a time, made it easy. But he left room for her preference. If she says “Actually, I’m vegetarian”, he says “Good to know, I’ll find somewhere else,” without any drama.
I wrote about how dates work in practice in first date tips for men and first date ideas that aren’t dinner. In both, you will notice the same thing: the man who plans gets more yeses.
What I learned from directors
On set, I have worked with dozens of directors. Some are brilliant leaders. Some are terrible. The difference taught me more about relationships than any book.
The bad directors shout. They make every decision alone. They do not ask performers how they feel or what they are comfortable with. When something goes wrong, they blame everyone else. Sets with bad directors are tense, slow and unhappy, and people do not want to work with them again.
The good directors are clear. You know the plan. They make decisions so nobody is standing around confused. But they also check in constantly: “Are you comfortable with this? Do you want to change anything? Do you need a break?” When a performer says no, the plan changes. No arguments, no guilt.
Good directors lead the day. They never control the people.
Some of the best directors I know in adult work started as performers and moved behind the camera. If you want a story about that shift, read my column on Kayden Kross, from star to director.
Signs you are leading well
- She feels relaxed with you because she does not have to organise everything.
- She feels free to disagree, and you take her opinion seriously.
- You make plans, but you change them easily when she has a better idea.
- You bring up important topics calmly instead of avoiding them.
- She has her own friends, hobbies and time, and you are happy about it.
- Decisions about big things, money, moving, the future, are made together.
Signs you have crossed into control
Be honest with yourself here. These are red flags, and if you recognise yourself, it is worth changing now:
- You check her phone or want to know who she is messaging.
- You get angry or sulk when she sees her friends without you.
- You tell her what to wear, or criticise her clothes when she goes out.
- You track her location without her clear agreement.
- You make big decisions without asking her.
- Disagreement feels like a threat to you, so you punish it with silence, anger or guilt.
- She starts asking your permission for normal things.
Control usually comes from fear, not strength: fear of losing her, fear of being cheated on, fear of not being enough. The answer is not more control. It is dealing with the fear. My column on how to stop being jealous is a good place to start.
If you are on the receiving end of these behaviours, from a partner of any gender, that is not love. Talk to someone you trust, and if you feel unsafe, contact a local support line for relationship abuse.
How to lead when you are naturally passive
If you are the “whatever you want” guy, leading feels uncomfortable at first. That is normal. Start small:
- Have an opinion. When she asks where to eat, give an actual answer. “I’m in the mood for sushi. You?” It is not rude. It is helpful.
- Plan one thing a week. A date, a walk, a film. Book it, tell her about it, and let her accept or suggest something else.
- Say what you want. “I’d like to see you again this week.” “I’d like to meet your friends.” Clear wishes are attractive.
- Decide the small stuff. When you are both indecisive, choose. “Let’s go to the first place. If it’s bad, we’ll laugh about it.”
- Start difficult conversations. “Can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?” is one of the most leader-like sentences there is.
Passivity often comes from the “nice guy” habit of avoiding conflict and trying to please. I wrote about breaking that habit in how to stop being a nice guy.
How to lead when you are naturally controlling
If you recognise yourself in the control list, you need a different set of habits:
- Ask before deciding. For anything that affects her, ask first. “What do you think?” is not weakness.
- Accept “no” with no penalty. Not just without shouting. Without sulking, sarcasm or cold silence.
- Encourage her independence. Ask about her friends. Tell her to enjoy her night out. Mean it.
- Notice your fear. When you feel the urge to control, ask yourself: “What am I actually afraid of right now?”
- Get help if you need it. If you struggle with anger or jealousy, a therapist can help. There is no shame in learning to manage strong feelings.
Leading in the bedroom (keep it simple)
People always ask me about this, so let me say it clearly and keep it SFW. Taking the lead in intimacy means initiating, suggesting, being confident and making her feel wanted. It never means pressure. It always means checking in and stopping the moment she wants to stop.
Every good set I have ever worked on runs on this: clear communication beforehand, constant checking in, and anyone can stop anything at any time. Confidence and consent are not opposites. They work best together. For more on this, read setting boundaries in dating.
What women actually mean by “take the lead”
When I ask women in my life what they mean by “I want a man who takes the lead”, the answers are surprisingly consistent:
- “I want him to plan things sometimes so I’m not always the organiser.”
- “I want him to tell me what he wants instead of making me guess.”
- “I want him to handle difficult moments instead of hiding.”
- “I want to feel safe with him, not managed by him.”
None of them say “I want him to decide everything for me”. What they want is a partner who is proactive, reliable and brave, and who respects them as equals. That is leadership.
The bottom line
Leading without controlling is simple to describe and hard to practise. Make plans and propose next steps. Have opinions and share them. Bring up difficult conversations. Make decisions when nobody else will. But always leave her free to say no, take her opinion as seriously as your own, support her independence and never punish disagreement.
The best leaders I have worked with on set were not the loudest men in the room. They were the calmest. They made everyone’s day easier, and everyone wanted to work with them again. Be that man in your relationship.
There is more about me and my work at maximogarciaworld.com. And if you want to see the women I have shared a set with, you will find them at fuckingpornstars.net.
FAQ
What does it mean to lead in a relationship? It means taking initiative: making plans, suggesting next steps, bringing up hard conversations and making decisions when nobody else wants to, while always leaving her free to say no and treating her opinion as equal to yours.
What is the difference between leading and controlling? Leading is proposing and inviting; controlling is imposing and restricting. A leader makes a plan and is happy to change it. A controlling partner decides for her, monitors her and punishes disagreement.
Do women really want a man to take the lead? Many women say they like a man who takes initiative and makes decisions easier, but not one who makes decisions for them. What most people want is a partner who is proactive, reliable and respectful of their choices.
What are signs of a controlling partner? Checking her phone, limiting who she sees, deciding what she wears, getting angry when she disagrees, tracking her location without agreement and making her feel guilty for her own choices are all signs of control.
— Maximo Garcia
More from me at maximogarciaworld.com.
